


The Stress of Falling Out of It

by Listenerofshadows



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Originally published in the Spooky Son Zine, The Snake is Present, and being a twat as usual, anxiety ('cause it's virgil), on tumblr, self-deprecation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-03-20 11:42:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18991960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Listenerofshadows/pseuds/Listenerofshadows
Summary: It’s been one year since Virgil decided to duck out (quack). He takes a moment to reflect on the events that led to that fateful day and what has happened since.





	The Stress of Falling Out of It

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was originally written several months back for the [Spooky Son Zine](https://spookyson-zine.tumblr.com), please check out the zine in its' entirety! It was a fun project to participate in, and there are a lot of amazing writers, artists and cosplayers involved! <3

A loud, persistent noise penetrates the depths of Virgil’s murky unconsciousness.  He lets out of a groan, displeased to be disrupted so soon from the bliss that is sleep. As the embodiment of Anxiety, he has a love-hate relationship with the function. So much could be accomplished if sleep isn’t necessary—so much time wasted. He couldn’t deny though that sleep provides a needed break from the world, even it is like all good things—temporary.

It takes him a few tries to find the off button on the alarm clock; his movements impeded by his half-asleep state. The urge to sink back into the covers and sleep is strong. Any other given day he’d give into such urges, but then he remembers what day it is.

Today’s the day. Just a year ago today is when he decided to “duck out.” (He can’t even think that phrase without an echo of Patton’s voice imitating a duck. It makes him inwardly smile.) It has sneaked up on him so stealthily. He has known it was coming up and yet…he is still surprised.

Perhaps it’s because a part of him hadn’t expected the day to arrive and still be accepted by the others. Where they hadn’t realized it had been a mistake. Where he hadn’t regretted trusting them enough to reveal his most treasured thing—his name.

He can’t help that part of him. It’s who he is. He is the Voice in the back of Thomas’ head that is the Pessimist.

As poignant as the day is, his mind is still in the dregs of waking up. He sits on top of his bed, feet dangling over the edge. He’s not sure how long he sat there in a trance. But at last, he takes a deep breath and rises from the bed. He lumbers towards his private bathroom, grimacing at his hair in the mirror.

As much as he teases Princey about how much he gripes about having the perfect hair, Virgil’s a big hypocrite. He is just as bad, if not worse than Roman. He knows it doesn’t look like it, but he worries a lot about appearances. The others saw him as the bad guy and so he looked the part of the bad guy.

As he takes a quick shower, his mind of course has to drift back to dwell on his pessimistic past. Not just one year back, but all the way back into his existence. A concept that is murky for a being that makes up for part of a personality.

It’s hard to say when he is, in a sense, born. Humans after all remember very little if at all anything as babies. The same thing applies to Virgil. He doesn’t know when it occurred. Logan would know. He’d go on a whole spiel about it. But Virgil isn’t him.

The more simple answer is that he’s always been there. Fear is something all things experience, even at a young age. And that is what Virgil is at his very core; fear.

-

He begins life known only as Fear, the natural flight-or-fight instincts that every human possesses. He is the Fear of the dark and of monsters lurking underneath the bed. The Fear of abandonment and of thunderstorms.

It’s his job to keep Thomas from those fears—those dangers. Fear, in the right amount of dosages, is healthy. It’s necessary for human survival. The others hate him for it. Or at least, they don’t seem to understand.

“Why’d you have to go and make him feel scared? We were going to go on an adventure!” Princey crosses his arms with a huff. 

In those days, they all went by different names excluding Roman; Logan went by the Brain and Patton called himself Heart. Roman has always went by either Prince or Princey, the prince aesthetic never dying from his spirit. He is Creativity, yes, but it’d be uncreative if he simply went by the name of his function.

Fear swallows a lump in his throat, floundering a bit under the intense gaze of Princey. He knows Princey would be upset by it, but he’d hoped he wouldn’t have gotten too mad by it. Fear is just trying to keep Thomas and the others safe. He doesn’t want to see them get hurt.

“But the forest is big. Thomas could get lost, there could be monsters--”

“Pft! Thomas could fight them!” Princey scoffs, “Right, Brain?”

Brain has his thinking face on; his face void of expression as he watches Thomas stumble away from the edge of the forest and back to the campsite. 

“Fear’s right--well maybe not on  _ monsters _ , but Thomas is just a kid, he could get lost by all himself and no one would know where he is,” He says and before Princey can throw a tantrum he adds, “we should see if one of Thomas’ family members would like to go walking in the woods with him.”

“Yeah! It’ll be a lot more fun than if Thomas was just by himself.” Heart agrees, clasping his hands enthusiastically. 

Virgil--Fear is still uncertain. Bad things could still happen. What if they get lost and something happens to Thomas’ family member? Thomas should just stay at the campsite, where it’s safe and much more familiar than the looming woods. But they refuse to address his concerns, to reassure him.

“B-but it’s muddy, what if Thomas trips and falls--what if there’s a grizzly bear--”

“Don’t worry, Fear! We’re going to have so much fun!” Heart interrupts, beaming.

“You’re just being a scaredy-cat!” Princey says, and that’s that.

-

The memory, as faded as it is, hurts. He tries to get his mind off of it as he shuts off the water faucet. He thinks about how things are different now as he dries himself off. He thinks about how Roman now tries to cut back on the name calling. He slips his clothing back on and turns on the hairdryer. He thinks about how Logan helps him out with cognitive distortions.

He thinks, and yet those thoughts aren’t strong enough to hold off memories he’d rather not remember.

-

As a kid, Thomas’ fears are small. Of course, they’d been big at the time. But looking back they were so small and seemingly easy to fix. Virgil misses those days. As the years progress, there is more and more things to worry about. So many things to keep track of, so many potential failures--it is _ too much _ .

He’ll never forget the first time he uses his distorted voice to keep Thomas from going to a party in high school. The others had been terrified. He could feel the fear pulsing through their veins. He himself is afraid of the power he wields.

He flees into his room shortly afterwards. As he closes the door behind him, he hears muffled clapping. He slowly turned around to see Deceit standing in the middle of his room.

“Bravo,” Deceit says, “that was quite a performance. You make for a better villain than even myself.”

“What do you want?” Virgil scowls.

Deceit is just as loved as Virgil by the others at the time. At first, they’d been amused by his blatant lies that the sky is green or that dogs meowed and cats barked. Even Virgil took comfort in knowing it wasn’t possible for those to be true. But things weren’t so fun anymore when the lies turned to half-truths, when they could be real and hurtful things. Then it got even less funny when Deceit gained the ability to literally silence others.

Virgil’s relationship with Deceit has always been...complicated. Many times his lies have soothed Virgil’s fears. But the other way around is just as true, if not more times than the first.

“I just wanted to congratulate you, Virgil,” Deceit says, running his gloved hand over the edge of Virgil’s bookcase, “You finally got them to listen to  _ you _ .”

He doesn’t look at Virgil, instead he inspects his gloved hand for dust with a bored gaze.

Virgil doesn’t respond. Deceit sighs, before clasping his hands together behind his back.

“Virgil, please  _ don’t _ dust your bookshelves.” He says before sinking out. Virgil glares at the spot where Deceit stood moments before.

As much as he hates to admit it, Deceit has a point. They listened to him because he’d been too scary to ignore. He’d kept Thomas from attending a party filled with people he hardly knew. He prevented Thomas from a chance of embarrassing himself in front of strangers. Yet he’d been painted in the narrative as a villain for it. But every story needs a good villain, after all. Everyone loves the villain--loves to  _ hate _ the villain. If it keeps Thomas safe, he could handle the loathing.

-

Virgil huffs, rolling his eyes at his past self’s thoughts. That’d been the biggest lie ever. He wonders if Deceit chuckles about it in his darkened corner of the mindscape. 

He shuts the hairdryer off, and applies his makeup. By now he’s given up; he’s letting his mind wander wherever the hell it wants. Apparently it seems dead set on going down miserable memory lane.

-

Because Virgil knew it’d hurt, but he didn’t know it’d hurt that  _ much _ . The insults flung by Roman, the dismissive tones used by Logan, Patton’s wavering smiles at the sight of him, _ all of it _ . The only thing that keeps him going was that it was for the others’ benefit. A small part of him knows it isn’t right, that it is bad and he feels bad doing it. His inner Patton, so to speak. But he has convinced himself it is the only way he could protect the others.

For years, that thought is the only thing that kept him going. Then Thomas decides to do a youtube series focusing on him talking with the Sides through his issues.  At first, Virgil is certain that it is a terrible idea. But as the videos progress, Virgil comes to a realization: he is holding them--holding Thomas back.

Rather than helping, he is more of a hindrance. It is clear none of them wanted him around. Aside from Patton, of course, who loves everyone. After that realization, it becomes harder and harder to convince himself that playing the bad guy is doing anything but hurting them.

All this time he has been worried about outside forces, when the greatest danger he needed to protect Thomas from, is himself. He can’t convince himself that Thomas needs him any longer. That would be lying to himself. The last thing he wants is to attract the attention of Deceit. 

He trusts the others to fill in his stead, Logan most of all. Virgil and Logan have always had a fluctuating relationship with one another. On some points they agreed on, and others they are in contempt. Logan has always been smarter and more grounded than the others. He’s sure Logan will be able to look out for risks like not walking alone in the dark or drinking responsibly. 

Patton...if anyone will miss him, it will be Patton. As Morality and the center of Thomas’ feelings, Patton has always cared for others. Even Virgil. He’d never allowed Patton to get close, for fear of his facade cracking. Despite that, Patton never quite gave up on Virgil. He hopes Patton will understand. Maybe Patton will breathe a sigh of relief, glad he doesn’t have to pretend to be nice to Virgil.

If Logan’s and Virgil’s relationship is shaky, then Roman’s and Virgil’s is the wobbly Jenga tower threatening to collapse any moment. Insults is the common language grasped by them both, that blame could hardly be placed solely on one side. Roman has always seen him as the morose and gloomy Debbie Downer, the one who ruined everything. At this point, Virgil can’t blame him. He can only hope Roman will be happy with him gone. That Thomas will happy. 

-

Virgil sighs, before scrutinizing his make-up in the mirror. The eyeshadow underneath his eyes mask his natural dark circles perfectly. He exits his private bathroom, in search of his jacket hanging on his bedpost. The jacket is a comforting weight on his figure. He plays with the zippers on the sleeves. He debates whether or not he should make an appearance outside his room today.

Is it wishful thinking for him to hope the others are unaware of the significance of this day? Probably. There’s so much white noise in his head today. More than usual. He doesn’t know if he could handle social interaction. It isn’t unusual for Virgil to spend a whole day in his room. The others know that sometimes he needs his space. Perhaps they would be thankful for the reprieve. He knows even now his input can be a bit much.

Virgil settles for staying in for the day. He already has a few protein bars stashed away for occasions like this. Although admittedly he wasn’t feeling hungry at the moment. He eyes his headphones before picking them up and plugging them into his phone. He selects a random playlist and hits shuffle. “Why Worry” by Set It Off plays, ironically enough.

-

Of course, he thought Thomas and the others would be better off without him. He ducks out (quack) and goes deep into the subconscious. The subconscious isn’t exactly sunshine and rainbows. It’s full of the stuff that Thomas suppresses from his conscious, whether he is aware of it or not.  In this case, it’s Virgil who suppresses himself from Thomas’ consciousness. He is tired. All he wants to do is sleep for days on end. He stumbles around for awhile, before collapsing onto a pile of half-forgotten memories. 

Before he can lose consciousness, he feels a sharp tug. Logan. He’s always been bad at smooth, painless summoning. It happens again moments later, only more insistent and demanding. Roman. Virgil is confused, why do they calling him?  It happens a third time, sweeter and gentler, no doubt from Patton.

Is something wrong? Should he--no. They’ve made it clear to him, that they don’t want him around. Whatever it is, he’s sure they can handle it by themselves. He closes his eyes once more, attempting to quell his anxiety. It is far from quelled when he can sense them, in his room. With  _ Thomas _ . He can’t ignore that. 

_ “What are you doing in my room?!” _ He pops up, frantic.

The story from then on...well, you know the rest. Everyone including himself initially assume with him out of the picture things would be...better. But instead they realize that he is important. They realize his contributions matter. Thomas tells him he wants to work with him. It’s weird hearing them grovel at his feet. Especially weirder when Roman, who has never said a nice word about Virgil once, says some nice words that day.

_ “You make us...better.” _

By the end of the ordeal, Virgil finds himself opening up enough to trust them with his name. A mere twenty four hours ago, he wouldn’t have dreamed of such a thing. And yet, it happens. He is accepted by the others. They really do start listening to him. It isn’t easy at first, but they work through it.

There is a happy ending to the story. So why does he feel...discombobulated? 

-

He’s in the middle of pretending to read a book when there’s a knock at the door. He lets out a short yelp of surprise, the noise startling him.

“Opps, sorry kiddo, didn’t mean to scare ya!” Patton says from the other side of the door.

“N-no it’s okay,” Virgil says, clearing his throat, “uh, what’s...up?”

Patton opens the door just enough to pop his head in, “The ceiling!”

He grins as Virgil rolls his eyes at the overused joke.

“I just wanted to see if you’d like to join me and the others for lunch. No pressure, though, if you’re not feeling up to it!” He says, and Virgil knows he means it.

It’s one of the things he loves about Patton is how...genuine he is. There is never any double-meanings or half-truths in his words. Just, pure, unabashed honesty. He knows that Patton would not be offended if Virgil chooses to decline. He might be worried if it’s been a few days since Virgil left the room. But only that and nothing else.

He’s not sure if in this mood he wants to interact with others. Sometimes that just makes things worse. But something he’s learned in the past year is that sometimes being around the others can help lift his spirits. If only a little. He’s still gloomy Anxiety, after all.

“Umm, sure.” He finds himself saying.

“Great!” Patton’s grin widens, “Lunch will be ready in a few minutes. Hope to see you then!”   
Patton sinks back down, to the kitchen presumably.

He leaves the door wide open--typical parent move. It amuses Virgil more than it frustrates him. He glances back at his book, noticing somehow he got through a third of the book without remembering a single thing he read. Sighing, he flips through the pages of the book back to its’ earlier bookmark. He closes it and tosses the book onto his bed. Maybe he’ll try getting off his phone earlier tonight and read for an hour before bed instead. Fat chance of that happening, but he can dream.

Shoving his hands into his pockets, he heads downstairs. He could simply close his eyes and appear there. But why do that when walking allows for the sense of dread to build up inside of him? With each step down the stairs, he regrets his decision. Patton wouldn’t be too upset if he backed out. He hears the voices of the others in the kitchen already. They sound jovial and wonders if the conversation will die at the sight of him. 

He’s at the second to last step when he decides, screw it, he might as well go down the last two at this point. He turns around the bend, expecting to see the kitchen. He does see the kitchen, but he doesn’t expect to see it adorned from top to bottom with purple and black decorations. A banner is hung above the table spelling out V I R G I L in a fancy purple font.

Virgil ventures closer, still not quite believing his eyes. By now the others have noticed his presence. Roman and Logan are already at the table, while Patton is attending to something in the oven.

“Surprise!” They all cry out, Logan’s more monotone compared to the other two.

“Surprise?” Virgil echoes. He wonders if he should pinch himself. This has to be a dream.

_ “Why can’t it be real?” _ A Surprisingly Not Negative Voice in his head asks. To which Virgil finds himself without a response to.

“Hello Virgil,” Logan begins, adjusting his tie, “I know unexpected events can lead to increased anxiety for you, but Patton and Roman insisted that this would be the best course of action.”

“It’s a surprise party, not a business meeting, Nerdinator.” Roman snorts.

Logan’s lips twitch, and before he can blink the two are neck deep into an argument. It is by no means serious. He can tell by their relaxed postures and the inanity of the argument it itself.

“Virge, you okay?”

Patton is standing by the oven, his hands still clad in oven mittens. On top of the stovetop appears to be a homemade pizza cooling.

“Y--yeah. I just---never...had a surprise party before.” He finishes lamely, and Patton’s eyes are already tearing up in sympathy. Which, shit. Virgil doesn’t want Patton to start crying because of him.

“It’s okay, I mean I’m Anxiety--” He starts.

“No, it’s not  _ okay _ ,” Patton interrupts fiercely, loud enough to garner the attention of both Logan and Roman. “You deserve all the surprise parties in the world.”

“Virgil,” Logan says, avoiding eye contact,  “we failed you. You shouldn’t have had to go to such lengths before we realized how important you are to us and Thomas.”

“What’s more, is that you trusted us with your name even after the way we...I treated you,” Roman softly says, his eyes pained, “that itself is an act of bravery.”

“So we wanted to throw you a surprise party to celebrate your name day,” Patton says, “maybe it won’t make up for lost surprise parties--but we’ll throw a party every day if we have to.”

Virgil stares at them all for a whole solid minute, his mouth agape. There’s so many emotions rattling inside his chest. It’s too much. A sob breaks from his throat. Patton steps forward, arms wide and Virgil accepts his embrace wholeheartedly. Roman and Logan join in, until Virgil is cocooned on all side by the others’ warmth.

He starts out this morning lost in the painful memories of the past. But now, he can draw a sigh of relief; knowing his family now has his back in the present. For once, that’s enough for him.


End file.
